a significant bullet

It wasn’t significant in the least...

I've lived with you so long I don't know life without being afraid. Because of you, I've missed out on so many good things in life I want to experience.

I want to go to concerts and music festivals. You keep me at home, making me feel ashamed and isolated. My iTunes account is so full of movies I've randomly bought to try to forget the panic and what I'm missing.

You randomly appear out of nowhere and paralyze me. I'm somewhere safe, somewhere comfortable surrounded by people who love me. And you decide to force me into bed, trying to make you go away with the breathing exercises I've learned along the way and failing.

You got me addicted to benzos. You made my mental health professionals distrust me with medication.

There are so many people I could've met, so many friends I could've made. But you show up and make me a fool, cause me to make excuses and run home to be alone. And even then, you're my constant companion.

I am so afraid of the world. This comes from the panic attacks you've caused throughout my entire life that I've learned that the only way I can go out is to force myself. To make sure I have the proper medication with me at all times. And to always be aware of the escape routes in case things get bad.

You ruined my marriage with your friend depression. You scare my parents. You make the one friend I have constantly worry about me.

Anxiety, I don't know life without you. You are fully a part of me like my teeth or my hands. Always buzzing in the background, always reminding me that no matter what skills I learn, the amount of help I get, you will be there, ready to ruin my dreams.


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Author’s Note: I wrote this piece three years ago during a dark period in my life. Propublica picked it up when I published it on my Wordpress blog, using my experience as evidence of neglect. I am reposting it here since I am shutting down my Wordpress blog and want to keep my experience published.

ACLU of Illinois Demands Removal of Children in DCFS Care From Troubled Chicago Hospital

More allegations of sexual abuse at Aurora Chicago Lakeshore Hospital, already under government scrutiny, have surfaced.

America is great if you're rich. Just look at Kanye West. Or the countless other celebrities that come out having a mental illness and become icons of bravery. You can have a mental illness and go to lush, private facilities dedicated to wellbeing and health.

Those of us with poor health insurance, who have to rely on underpaid, undertrained, uncaring health professionals are having the exact same treatment as our 19th-century peers.

Mental Health treatment in the West has improved somewhat from the 19th and early 20th centuries. Gone are Lobotomiesand Water Sheeting.

Yet, the mentally ill are continual scapegoats for larger societal problems. Every time there is a mass shooting, mental illness is to blame.

This is my experience trapped in a Chicago mental hospital for five days:


So my subscription to Ulysses ran out. I currently don’t have the money to renew (yes, I’m a broke ass chump), so I decided to use 1Writer again.


I still have to get used to it even though I used it constantly 3-4 years ago. The fact tha it’s on par with Ulysses but has no subscription cost is great for me.


Sex for an Asexual is a complicated thing.

I'm Asexual. Yes, I know, I know. There is the gender parade tromping around in 2021 and uptight, confused people are mocking the myriad genders coming out.

I'm ignoring those people. If you haven't had a cursory study of Alfred Kinsey's Work, you have no business discussing gender and sexuality.

Yes, Kinsey made mistakes and his scale definitely needed to be improved—but in 2021, who will take up the mantle? Who is willing to take a scientific perspective to watching people bang? Oprah? Nah. Maybe Eddie Izzard. But he doesn't have a PhD.

OH! Let's enlist Neil deGrasse Tyson to be the next Kinsey. I can see him now, sitting in a deep, soft chair, obscured by shadow in the corner, while two people bang on the bed. Tyson sips his tea and writes in his notebook. The two people moan. Tyson scribbles something. It's over. Shame sweeps through the room. Neil deGrasse Tyson lifts himself from the chair, nods to the two naked, sweaty people on the bed, then disappears without a trace. Gone. Poof. Back to his lab to do SCIENCE!

secret sex chair


So a friend of mine noticed I'm pretty good with this online stuff. She's wanting to start her own service of helping people with art therapy. Which I dig, I'm all into art therapy, especially for kids (whom are her main clients). And these kids produce some friggin' amazing art.

I can only draw stick-figures. Poorly. Here's is an attempt of me trying to make my own cartoon “self portrait”:

Me as a bad drawing

Pretty horrible I'd say. I stopped drawing after I embarrassed myself by making a horrible personal comic journal. It was maudlin and with bad drawing abilities. Not the endearing bad drawings like Jeffery Brown. No, bad bad like a 3 year old with a box of crayons.

Nonetheless, despite any artistic skills beyond writing, my friend loved the design of my webpages and asked me to help her start up her business page. She's been having a really hard time lately—really hard—so I said yes.

She knows nothing of technology. I asked her what she wanted her domain name to be and she had no idea what I was talking about.

Anyway, I gave her the short and sweet of how the internet works, she kinda understood, I registered her domain, got it hosted, and spun up a Wordpress install.

Since I've been with my hosting company for over a decade, I get premium Wordpress themes and plugins from them. So I just installed one of the premium themes, added basic descriptions relevant to her business, and sent her the link.


I managed to make it a full week at work. Which is surprising because, about four weeks ago, I was in the hospital with severe pneumonia and in the ICU. Five days in a grubby hospital gown hooked up to countless tubes, getting poked in the arm at 2 a.m.

I got used to the hospital staff rotating, never seeing a familiar face, but always a rotating tribe of orderlies, doctors, and nurses. Beeps and alarms interrupted the static sound from the speaker that was supposed to be playing the television show.

A cacophony in prime-time.

My lungs were fire, each inhale striating a line of pain throughout my body starting in my chest. Not to mention the hospital bed began to cramp my back and I had to shuffle shuffle awkwardly to relieve the pressure. My ass still hurts from it.

And the pressure cuffs hooked around my calves pumping and deflating every 45 seconds.

Time became moments of pain and pressure interrupted by the most exciting moments of medication—a Percocet, my regular psych meds, antibiotics—and ordering disgusting hospital food.


So I signed up for Last.fm Premium for a year. I was hesitant as there isn’t a reliable way to scrobble my tracks with Apple Music.

I was using an app called Eavescrob, but it only scrobbled music in my library. And I listen to a lot of music that’s not in my library but I want added to my Last.fm profile.

I found an old Reddit thread and someone mentioned QuietScrob. The big thing about QuietScrob is that it scrobbles non-library tracks. So I decided to try it. So far, it works well. It didn’t scrobble an obscure Hot Mulligan track and that concerns me.

But I think I’ll give it a try for now.

If anyone has a better way of scrobbling  Music to Last.fm, please let me know. My Mastodon handle is below, but here it is anyway: @caycepollard@appdot.net

(Also, trying the iOS WriteFreely app so apologies if there are issues in publishing this post)

#applemusic #ios #lastfm


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When I taught my English classes at the university, I taught my students critical thinking. I beat into them to question their sources and make sure the information they were presenting was factual and true. This was at the cusp of Wikipedia and the explosion of the internet. Smartphones weren’t a thing when I was teaching.

One of my favorite exercises was to gather my students into groups and have them read an official document about the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide

Warning against Dihydrogen Monoxide

I would ask them to construct an argument why we should ban DHMO or why we should not ban it. The group members had to be unanimous in their decision.

I would always have the cocky science major raise an eyebrow at me, as if to say, are you serious? But most of the time the groups would vote to ban DHMO. They’d present perfectly logical arguments why; their presentation based on the information I gave them.

And every student would groan and be upset with me when I told them they effectively banned the usage of water. Many students would complain that I tricked them and made them feel stupid.


In the trial of Derek Chauvin for the murder of George Floyd—a catalyst that sparked a new civil rights movement—the prosecution and the defense are focusing intently on Floyd’s substance abuse struggle.

On the fourth day of Chauvin’s trial, the prosecution introduced Courtney Ross as a witness to George Floyd’s character. Ross dated Floyd for over three years and describes him as, “... a caring partner, a devoted father and passionate about exercise — a guy who loved to ride his bike and play ball with the neighborhood children.”

She also described their addiction to opioids. Saying, “Our story, it’s a classic story of how many people get addicted to opioids...”


I’m obsessed with HBO’s Westworld. The show’s melding of philosophy and technology is something I’ve always followed and is always present in my writing. In fact, my first book dealt directly with the themes present in Westworld—a robot (or hologram in my story) programmed to be killed over and over, becoming sentient and exhibiting Free Will.

My book deals with an AI woman who is programmed to be killed. No matter what the user does, the program will run its course and the woman will be killed at the end. Except for one program that has a glitch and creates sexual desire. Self-destruction forming a new being. So, that's why I'm interested in all this.

Early last year, Reggie Ugwu wrote an extremely interesting article where he interviewed a Theoretical Physicist about the themes presented in Westworld and the tv show Devs. Both shows deal with Determinism and Free Will. I was absolutely absorbed by the article and it created a new obsession for me: researching philosophy on Determinism and Free Will.

You can read the article here: ‘Westworld’ and ‘Devs’ Asked Big Questions. A Physicist Responds.. Do it now. This instant. Don't read anymore of my drivel until you read what an expert thinks.


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